Swallow your Pride.

In light of my impending graduation, I've been reflecting on my past few years. Actually, quite a few years. Back to high school. You know, the good old days? I kid. I wouldn't go back to high school if you told me Channing Tatum would be in my algebra class.

Quite honestly, I was a jerk in high school. And middle school. I rode my high horse around like it was my job. If you had something worth judging, I judged. I gave out opinions and harsh criticisms left and right. I don't like that girl. I don't even think I liked being that girl. I think I thought it was my job. I think I felt that as a Christian girl, living amongst other Christian girls, it was my duty to correct them when they did something "wrong". The problem was that I didn't approach my sisters or brothers in Christ with love. I called them on their crap. Basically, I force fed my version of reality to them. There is no justifying being hateful. I cringe when I think about how awful I was to people. I've tried to explain it to myself. Luckily, for me, I had some wonderful and gracious friends who stuck around long enough to get to know my heart. I really cared about these people, I just wasn't very nice to them. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't mean all the time to everyone. That wasn't really what mattered, though. Being hurtful and mean to one person, one time is enough to warrant an apology. And I wasn't apologetic about anything. Until later.

I've felt it on my heart for a while that I needed to take the opportunity when I saw these people again to apologize to them. I haven't seen most people I went to high school with in 4 years. I don't know if I'll ever see them again. So I'm taking the opportunity now, even though my brain knows most of those people will never see this. I want to tell them that I'm sorry if I hurt them. That I care for them and I whole-heartedly hope that they'll forgive me for being so thoughtless and cold. I am so sorry. I hope that you believe that. As much as I want to justify my words and actions to you, I know that it doesn't matter to you WHY I was mean to you, it only matters that it happened. I know that because I was on the other side of it, probably at the same time I was dishing it out. That's mostly why it shocks me. How could i have been so cold when I knew what it felt like to be affected by hateful words? Somehow it didn't matter to me then. It matters now. You matter.

I want you to know that in the past 3 years, I've changed. I was still that mean girl my freshman year of college, and then something in me shifted. I couldn't tell you exactly when that happened. I don't even know if it really matters. What does matter is that I'm learning to be slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to listen. The Lord has continued to change my heart. There is something so beautiful and redemptive about the fact that Jesus will continue to love me and change my heart, no matter how nasty and confused I am. I am so thankful for his grace and his mercy and his goodness that got me thorough that mess.


I hope as I move on into the future I can become someone who is known for their kindness. I hope that people don't see someone mean and hurtful in me. I hope they can see my heart and my intentions.  My flesh WILL fail, but my God never will.