66 days.

I graduate from college in 66 days. No matter how many times I say it, I don't think I will fully grasp the reality of that until I walk across the stage and receive a fake diploma. I've often said I've learned more in college about myself and about my walk with Jesus than I have about art, or business or the countless other subjects (that i'll never use again) that I was forced to take by the university system. But I certainly wasn't prepared for the stomach-churning, mind-boggling uncertainty that comes along with my last semester as a student. I now know that I took this journey for granted. There are so many things I would do over if I could, but in 66 short days, I will no longer be a student at Georgia Southern University. I will simply be a student of life and of the Lord.
That being said, I have been doing a lot of searching in the past 3 months or so. Soul searching, job searching, internet searching, etc. And I've found something in all this searching. Fear. No one prepares you for what is possibly one of the biggest transitions you'll have to make in a lifetime. There aren't instructions. There is no manual. There are no steps that are neatly outlined. No one will do it for you and quite frankly, there aren't many people who are ready and willing to help you. After all, its your transition. Not theirs.
I think what I've been searching for most intensely is security. I don't do well with the unseen, the unplanned or the unorganized. And quite frankly, thats what I'm walking into. So knowing this about myself, obviously I tried to handle it all on my own. Frantically searching for jobs and opportunities and money and ways to drum up business for my photography. Now, I'm certainly not saying I shouldn't be doing those things, but somewhere along the way I lost all faith that God could and would help me do all of this. I discarded every ounce of security he offered me because I didn't feel like working within his timing. Because if it doesn't seem perfect to me, it must not be. Right? Wrong.
So, I finally started praying about it. I was quickly reminded of a few things I need to be grasping a little bit tighter than I currently am.

1. No matter how hard I try to hide from the world, it isn't going anywhere. It has a purpose and I am going to have to deal. (Seriously, y'all. I was trying to hide under my pillow at this point. It wasn't pretty.)
2. The Lord graciously reminded me of Proverbs 31:25. "She is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future." 

At first, I was thinking "Um, yeah. Lord? Remember how the future is currently scaring me to death and I have LOTS of fear and I am not laughing? Yeah that's now." And then, he kept speaking. Which is great because the next part is what I really needed to hear. He told me to STOP saying I'm scared.  Because in Him, I can be strong. And in Him, I have dignity. And he holds my future. I also realized that my motives to getting a job and being a normal functioning human being have somewhere shifted from being about glorifying Him to being about keeping up with what is expected of me and what the world says I should be doing. If what the world says and what the Lord is saying align, thats awesome. But either way, He is going to make that clear in his timing.

I still don't know what comes next for me. Just because I have decided to trust the Lord more than my own abilities in this situation does not mean I magically will get 100 job offers tomorrow and I'll have more success than I'll know what to do with. It does mean that He will provide. Eventually. And His timing will be perfect. 

And for some reason, I felt like I was supposed to blog about this. Not just journal about it? So there's that. 

So, if you've read all of this, maybe you got something from it. I hope so. It's late and I don't know how coherent all of this is. Also, if you know of anyone who is hiring (preferably full-time), let me know! YOU could be an answer to prayer. (There is no shame in my plug for a job.)